Doctor Sex—Bowchicabowwowwwww

Let’s face it—doctors are effing hot.  They save lives, scrubs come off easily, and we all know they have stamina.  The following entry will be an interview with Queermo 2 about her experience fucking a doctor.  Now we will proceed with a tale of hot, steamy, doctor fuckage.

Q:  How did you meet this doctor?
A:  First of all, she is only a medical student, not a doctor quite yet.  I met her while we were both intoxicated at a well-known lesbian club in Boston.  I don’t remember how I ended up dancing with her, but she bought me a Corona and asked me to come home with her.

Q:  So, you fucked her?
A:  Yes, I fucked her…and then she fucked me.  Then, I fucked her again.

Q:  Did she use her stethoscope on you?
A:  Well, since we ended up at her friend’s place, and her friend was not in the medical profession, she didn’t have a stethoscope handy; however, I wouldn’t have been opposed to using it.  Regardless, I’m sure my heart was beating really fast at the time.  She didn’t need a stethoscope to know that.

Q:  That’s too bad.  So, I guess that means no bondage with medical tape or gauze?
A:  Unfortunately not.  There was no bondage with anything at all.  But I think it would have been really hot if she would have commanded me to stick my tongue out and say “awhhhh” like a dominatrix doctor.

Q:  Hell’s yes.  I can see the tight leather scrubs now.  But don’t you think that this would violate a doctor’s oath to be beneficent? 
A:  Hmm.  Well, if it’s consensual, then I don’t see how it conflicts.  I didn’t ask her to recite the Hippocratic Oath before we fucked.

Q:  Interesting.  So, would you make the same case if a consenting patient, and by consenting we will use the sometimes controversial standard definition (i.e. over 18 years of age, mentally stable, etc.), requested that a doctor ended her life?
A:  Yes, but I want to make clear that in NO WAY am I advocating necrophilia.

Q:  Great.  Sounds hot…well, not necrophilia…but doctor fuckage.  I’m about consent, kthanks.  Is there anything else you would like to add?
A:  Only that I personally believe that this doctor should have gone into dentistry because she had a tooth fetish.  She thought that I had particularly well-aligned incisors; however, we’ll save that for another post.

Gay, Straight, or Stealth–Whatever, I Want to Do You

We all do it.  Well, maybe we all don’t, but we sure as hell do.  The game is called “Gay, Straight, or Stealth.”  Before proceeding, it seems necessary to provide an explanation of the Stealth* category.  Stealth generally refers to a femme who is not visible in her queerness; however, the category could be expanded to include, for instance, a man who appears to be straight but, for some unknown reason, still sets off our gaydar.  In the context of this game, we also must state that the Gay category is the equivalent to non-heterosexual.  Thus, it also includes bisexuality.  We realize that we are making the same mistake that dozens of scientific researchers make with regard to bisexuals, one which clearly erases their identity, but because we are bisexual we feel it is validated in some sick sense.

A typical game of “Gay, Straight, or Stealth” takes place on public transportation, sidewalks, shopping venues, or even in the classroom.  We recognize that this game is more challenging in some settings (i.e. all women’s colleges, queer bars, San Francisco, rugby teams) than in others.  The goal of the game is to accurately predict the sexual orientation of the subject at hand.  We should make clear that we rarely discover the accuracy of our predictions, but we believe the fun lies in the speculation.  Because we are so accustomed to assuming queerness, as we operate in a predominately queer setting, we may be biased.  The game becomes more difficult whenever heterosexuals wear gay signifiers unknowingly, as our first instinct is to guess queerness at the hint of anything outside of heteronormativity…or even an affinity for Tegan and Sara.

Although the game may seem harmless enough, failure to guess the correct answer can have devastating effects.  Who hasn’t been at a queer club or bar and asked someone to dance, upon assuming queerness, and been rejected because they are heterosexual?  We certainly have.  The situation is even further complicated when lips touch.  Queermo 2 had such an experience when she met a woman at a lesbian bar, who was a member of a women’s basketball team nonetheless, and made out with her shamelessly.  Moments later, Queermo 2 discovered that this potential fuck (or date…whatever) is straight.  Needless to say, the night was ruined and Queermo 2 wasn’t getting any.

What is the moral of this post (not that we say this to suggest that we have excellent morals)?  In the words of our dear queermo friend, “Can’t we all just wear a fucking pin or something!?”

*In a later post, we will discuss Galewski’s concept of rhetorical femme, which closely relates to our notion of stealth.  This future post will also include the merits of not being visably gay.

Poly Pocket—A Tale of Polyamory

Everyone wants to have sex with as many people as possible, right?  We know we do.  So, does it not seem logical to assume that engaging in a polyamorous relationship is the best way to get your fuck on?  The following is an interview with a fellow queermo who experienced the poly world. 

Q:  Could you please give us a brief explanation of polyamory, for the sake of the readers? 
A:  Polyamory means that you are guaranteed sex in the same way you would be if you were in a monogamous relationship, except now you get two or three or four times the fun.

Q:  That’s what we thought!  But would you also say that you get two or three or four times the headache?
A:  Oh my god.  Absolutely.  Polyamory actually means that you are juggling multiple intimate relationships, so imagine that drama a few times over.  Then add in the dynamic between you and each of the people, their dynamic with each other, and all the other outside sources.  Talk about overwhelming.

Q:  That certainly sounds intense.  Could you extrapolate and give us an illustrative example?
A:  Well, for example, I was involved with a couple.  The expectation was that I would like them both in the same way, at the same time, and share the exact same connection with both of them to ensure that neither was better or more liked.  But this is basically impossible.  People connected differently, for different reasons, and in different ways.  Neither was more valuable, but they were very different.  That causes drama.  Drama for each of them with me, and drama for the two of them as a couple.  Jealousy burned like wild fire and the whole thing went down in a big inferno… that’s when I beat it the hell outta there and left them with the charred rubble.  Too bad the sex didn’t burn with that kind of passion!

Q:  The sex wasn’t good!?  Isn’t every boi’s fantasy to have sex with two womyn?  Isn’t that situation necessarily hot?
A:  WOMYN.  What a term.  It is constructed to be every boi’s fantasy, and even though I didn’t go into it with that heterosexist wet dream thinking, I did find the whole situation to be really hot and it certainly inflated my ego.  It was hot… A HUGE HOT MESS.  I think a boi and two femmes would be wonderful, but too much testosterone in one room and made things ugly very quickly.  I really can’t make generalizations though, as I’m not a resident expert.  But the two people I was with, in my opinion, were not really ready for a three person relationship! I think any combination of identities could work, but I was not interested in being with anyone masculine.  Then, when soft femme turned into BIG BAD BUTCH, I couldn’t grab my clothes fast enough to get outta there.

Q:  Sounds like you had quite the experience.  Do you think polyamory would be easier for those involved if it was more widely accepted in society?
A:  Well, I’m a total dork so it would have been easier for me, because I was dying for something to read that echoed my experience. But overall, I’m not sure.  We didn’t run into any stigma and we were pretty open with, well, everyone, about our three way like for each other.  This included the people on the buses.

Q:  People on the buses?!?
A:  Hey… sometimes, all that desire just bursts out.  Oh, on a related note though, it was always fun when people would pull me aside, get real close, and in a low voice whisper to me about how my girlfriend was upstairs cheating on me.  I always wondered which one it was.

Q:  Well, I guess it wasn’t all bad then!  So, although commodification by heteropatriarchal capitalism is shitty, how would you react to the marketing of a doll that teaches children how to engage in healthy polyamorous relationships?  Let’s call her Poly Pocket.  What do you think?
A:  I loved Polly Pocket as a small child, so I am all about enhancing the product.  I kind of wish I could fold up the real situation into a pretty little compact and tuck it away for later.  I think any toy that supports alternative lifestyles and expands kids options and minds are great.  If Polly wants two girlfriends, a husband and a boy toy… I say more power to her.  She just better get that three story jewelry box house and have a lot of Excedrin.

Q:  Thanks, Poly.  That was a great answer.  Is there anything else you would like to add?
A:  Hmmm.  Possibly that all the Excedrin might have left a slightly bitter taste in my mouth, so my answers could be a bit… post relationship-leaning.  Also, I must take a serious moment and say that polyamory really is a great thing.  I did enjoy the experience, learned a lot about myself and other people, and how much work people should put into ALL their relationships… romantic, platonic, or otherwise!

Pickles–A Speculative Study

We were worried.  We were worried about–pickles.

One afternoon, a member of our beloved group of queer friends was chowing down on a sandwich.  As she ate, we continued our discussion about genetic origins for various human traits.  This sandwich-eating friend proceeded to claim, although jokingly, that her love for pickles was due to some biological factor.  Now, some people might laugh and continue their discussion.  Not us–we ran with it.  We quickly realized that everyone participating in the discussion enjoys pickles…AND we are all queer.  Coincidence?  Bailey and LeVay say no.  Let’s explore!

Our study shows that, among our group of friends, a preference for dill pickles correlates with bisexuality.  An affinity for bread and butter means you are gay.  If one likes both pickles, they are fluid in both their pickle and sexual preference.   Straight people do not like pickles; however, we do not have many straight friends.  If, on the rare occasion, a straight person does like pickles of either variety, this could point to one of two things.  1) They are in denial.  2) They reject and/or do not fit into the binary system of pickle-liking.  If you question that such a binary exists, ask yourself how pickles are marketed to you at the grocery store.  Do you see containers of both salty AND sweet?  No.  We did not think so.

One may also argue that pickles are socially constructed, which is obviously true, as they are fucking cucumbers.  Further, even cucumbers should not be assumed to be an a priori material given that proceeds its cultural location within the vegetable kingdom.

Whatever.  We still think pickles=queer; however, this is NOT due to biological reasons.  We hold true that the consumption of pickles causes queerness.  One’s sexuality is determined by the types of pickles that are fed to them by their parents.  Take that, heteropatriarchal capitalism!

Please comment with your pickle preference and sexual orientation for future studies.

Please note:  Gherkins fall under the dill pickle category.

Introduction to our Blog

This post will serve as a general introduction to our blog.  We like theory, which means we generally like questions.  Personally, we find our questions to be highly amusing, and think it is necessary to share them with the rest of the blogosphere.  Any contributions–questions, answers, comments, funny stories of your own, etc.–are both welcome and recommended.  Enjoy