Pickles–A Speculative Study
May 12, 2008
We were worried. We were worried about–pickles.
One afternoon, a member of our beloved group of queer friends was chowing down on a sandwich. As she ate, we continued our discussion about genetic origins for various human traits. This sandwich-eating friend proceeded to claim, although jokingly, that her love for pickles was due to some biological factor. Now, some people might laugh and continue their discussion. Not us–we ran with it. We quickly realized that everyone participating in the discussion enjoys pickles…AND we are all queer. Coincidence? Bailey and LeVay say no. Let’s explore!
Our study shows that, among our group of friends, a preference for dill pickles correlates with bisexuality. An affinity for bread and butter means you are gay. If one likes both pickles, they are fluid in both their pickle and sexual preference. Straight people do not like pickles; however, we do not have many straight friends. If, on the rare occasion, a straight person does like pickles of either variety, this could point to one of two things. 1) They are in denial. 2) They reject and/or do not fit into the binary system of pickle-liking. If you question that such a binary exists, ask yourself how pickles are marketed to you at the grocery store. Do you see containers of both salty AND sweet? No. We did not think so.
One may also argue that pickles are socially constructed, which is obviously true, as they are fucking cucumbers. Further, even cucumbers should not be assumed to be an a priori material given that proceeds its cultural location within the vegetable kingdom.
Whatever. We still think pickles=queer; however, this is NOT due to biological reasons. We hold true that the consumption of pickles causes queerness. One’s sexuality is determined by the types of pickles that are fed to them by their parents. Take that, heteropatriarchal capitalism!
Please comment with your pickle preference and sexual orientation for future studies.
Please note: Gherkins fall under the dill pickle category.
Hmmm. I have a strong preference for dill pickles. And I am a huge queermo who doesn’t identify as bisexual. And your theory might be influencing me when I say this, but I would absolutely bang a gay guy bottom. It’s kind of complex.
Moving right along… I never ate a pickle until I was in my teens so I’m skeptical about its correlation to homosexuality. It’s as good a theory as LeVay or Bailey’s though. They’ve proven that we don’t need conclusive evidence to really correlate in a logical manner in order to draw a conclusion AND get published for it.
Last thought, you should investigate whether semen or girl-jizz is more sour/sweet. That way you can correlate the taste to the preferred pickle.
Queermo 2 claims that girl-jizz is sweeter. Just sayin’. Looks like we’re on the right path.
Sooo…if Ethan B doesn’t like pickles, but eats them regardless…what does that mean?
Incidentally, I LOVE dill.
::puts sexologist hat on::
actually, one’s jizz-taste depends a lot on your diet. so i’d correlate jizz more readily with asparagus than with pickles.
Skoog: I speculate that Ethan B’s willingness to eat pickles regardless of his dislike for them must be indicative of his love and support of the queer community dispite his straight, bio-boy status. Yay for Ethan B! Also, glad to see that your pickle-preference matches up correctly with your sexuality. There must be something to this theory!