Poly Pocket—A Tale of Polyamory

Everyone wants to have sex with as many people as possible, right?  We know we do.  So, does it not seem logical to assume that engaging in a polyamorous relationship is the best way to get your fuck on?  The following is an interview with a fellow queermo who experienced the poly world. 

Q:  Could you please give us a brief explanation of polyamory, for the sake of the readers? 
A:  Polyamory means that you are guaranteed sex in the same way you would be if you were in a monogamous relationship, except now you get two or three or four times the fun.

Q:  That’s what we thought!  But would you also say that you get two or three or four times the headache?
A:  Oh my god.  Absolutely.  Polyamory actually means that you are juggling multiple intimate relationships, so imagine that drama a few times over.  Then add in the dynamic between you and each of the people, their dynamic with each other, and all the other outside sources.  Talk about overwhelming.

Q:  That certainly sounds intense.  Could you extrapolate and give us an illustrative example?
A:  Well, for example, I was involved with a couple.  The expectation was that I would like them both in the same way, at the same time, and share the exact same connection with both of them to ensure that neither was better or more liked.  But this is basically impossible.  People connected differently, for different reasons, and in different ways.  Neither was more valuable, but they were very different.  That causes drama.  Drama for each of them with me, and drama for the two of them as a couple.  Jealousy burned like wild fire and the whole thing went down in a big inferno… that’s when I beat it the hell outta there and left them with the charred rubble.  Too bad the sex didn’t burn with that kind of passion!

Q:  The sex wasn’t good!?  Isn’t every boi’s fantasy to have sex with two womyn?  Isn’t that situation necessarily hot?
A:  WOMYN.  What a term.  It is constructed to be every boi’s fantasy, and even though I didn’t go into it with that heterosexist wet dream thinking, I did find the whole situation to be really hot and it certainly inflated my ego.  It was hot… A HUGE HOT MESS.  I think a boi and two femmes would be wonderful, but too much testosterone in one room and made things ugly very quickly.  I really can’t make generalizations though, as I’m not a resident expert.  But the two people I was with, in my opinion, were not really ready for a three person relationship! I think any combination of identities could work, but I was not interested in being with anyone masculine.  Then, when soft femme turned into BIG BAD BUTCH, I couldn’t grab my clothes fast enough to get outta there.

Q:  Sounds like you had quite the experience.  Do you think polyamory would be easier for those involved if it was more widely accepted in society?
A:  Well, I’m a total dork so it would have been easier for me, because I was dying for something to read that echoed my experience. But overall, I’m not sure.  We didn’t run into any stigma and we were pretty open with, well, everyone, about our three way like for each other.  This included the people on the buses.

Q:  People on the buses?!?
A:  Hey… sometimes, all that desire just bursts out.  Oh, on a related note though, it was always fun when people would pull me aside, get real close, and in a low voice whisper to me about how my girlfriend was upstairs cheating on me.  I always wondered which one it was.

Q:  Well, I guess it wasn’t all bad then!  So, although commodification by heteropatriarchal capitalism is shitty, how would you react to the marketing of a doll that teaches children how to engage in healthy polyamorous relationships?  Let’s call her Poly Pocket.  What do you think?
A:  I loved Polly Pocket as a small child, so I am all about enhancing the product.  I kind of wish I could fold up the real situation into a pretty little compact and tuck it away for later.  I think any toy that supports alternative lifestyles and expands kids options and minds are great.  If Polly wants two girlfriends, a husband and a boy toy… I say more power to her.  She just better get that three story jewelry box house and have a lot of Excedrin.

Q:  Thanks, Poly.  That was a great answer.  Is there anything else you would like to add?
A:  Hmmm.  Possibly that all the Excedrin might have left a slightly bitter taste in my mouth, so my answers could be a bit… post relationship-leaning.  Also, I must take a serious moment and say that polyamory really is a great thing.  I did enjoy the experience, learned a lot about myself and other people, and how much work people should put into ALL their relationships… romantic, platonic, or otherwise!