Gay, Straight, or Stealth–Whatever, I Want to Do You

We all do it.  Well, maybe we all don’t, but we sure as hell do.  The game is called “Gay, Straight, or Stealth.”  Before proceeding, it seems necessary to provide an explanation of the Stealth* category.  Stealth generally refers to a femme who is not visible in her queerness; however, the category could be expanded to include, for instance, a man who appears to be straight but, for some unknown reason, still sets off our gaydar.  In the context of this game, we also must state that the Gay category is the equivalent to non-heterosexual.  Thus, it also includes bisexuality.  We realize that we are making the same mistake that dozens of scientific researchers make with regard to bisexuals, one which clearly erases their identity, but because we are bisexual we feel it is validated in some sick sense.

A typical game of “Gay, Straight, or Stealth” takes place on public transportation, sidewalks, shopping venues, or even in the classroom.  We recognize that this game is more challenging in some settings (i.e. all women’s colleges, queer bars, San Francisco, rugby teams) than in others.  The goal of the game is to accurately predict the sexual orientation of the subject at hand.  We should make clear that we rarely discover the accuracy of our predictions, but we believe the fun lies in the speculation.  Because we are so accustomed to assuming queerness, as we operate in a predominately queer setting, we may be biased.  The game becomes more difficult whenever heterosexuals wear gay signifiers unknowingly, as our first instinct is to guess queerness at the hint of anything outside of heteronormativity…or even an affinity for Tegan and Sara.

Although the game may seem harmless enough, failure to guess the correct answer can have devastating effects.  Who hasn’t been at a queer club or bar and asked someone to dance, upon assuming queerness, and been rejected because they are heterosexual?  We certainly have.  The situation is even further complicated when lips touch.  Queermo 2 had such an experience when she met a woman at a lesbian bar, who was a member of a women’s basketball team nonetheless, and made out with her shamelessly.  Moments later, Queermo 2 discovered that this potential fuck (or date…whatever) is straight.  Needless to say, the night was ruined and Queermo 2 wasn’t getting any.

What is the moral of this post (not that we say this to suggest that we have excellent morals)?  In the words of our dear queermo friend, “Can’t we all just wear a fucking pin or something!?”

*In a later post, we will discuss Galewski’s concept of rhetorical femme, which closely relates to our notion of stealth.  This future post will also include the merits of not being visably gay.